Cultivating Authentic Authenticity

Digital Magazine, Nicole Fegley | by | 6 Comments

What is authenticity and how can you be more authentic in your life? Well, we think that’s a good and sometimes convoluted question, and while we all aim to figure this out in our own lives, we offer you this simple practice to help steer you. At the least you may find out what authenticity means to you and avoid the pitfalls that some fall into along the rocky and often uncharted territory of living an authentic life.

To follow up on our Integral McNugget of the week…

Authentic Does Not Mean Moronic

You gotta know when to hold ‘em. Know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. -Kenny Rogers

Lately, authenticity has become a major buzz word in the integral community – and being authentic in the moment or true to oneself and to the situation – is totally awesome. The drive towards more and more authenticity in yourself, your relationships, and in the world is a noble quest indeed, don’t get us wrong, but lately we’ve noticed a very subtle translation issue around this hot practice topic and we couldn’t let it go by without sharing a few words on the subject…

Some confuse authenticity for transparency or full truth, all the time. But, as Jack Nicholson said in A Few Good Men, “You can’t handle the truth!” And, sometimes, we think that’s true. If we just take the levels component of Integral theory, we know that our truth is very different than others, and that we can’t simply have immediate resonance or an authentic exchange just because we’ve expressed ourselves. It takes a little more work and skill than that. And, there’s a lot of messed up stuff that happens in our interior space that should sometimes stay on the inside of the inside, as it were. The missing ingredient here my friends is discernment. Real authenticity is not just reactivity in honesty’s clothing! It’s not all your truth, all the time (especially via facebook or twitter). And it’s not an awkward staring contest, either.

The one thing we can say about the experience of authenticity is that it is a feeling, in the moment, that someone is being real with you.

So how can we cultivate this tricky business of authenticity? As our friend Corey deVos likes to say, authenticity is like that weird squiggly thing in your eye that goes away as soon as you try to look at it. We’re not saying it’s impossible to practice being more authentic, just don’t try too hard or your efforts may be self-defeating.

1. Have an intention to be more authentic and capital T truthful (or compassionately truthful) in your interactions…this will help set a container for your practice, allowing you to keep things clean and set you off on the right foot.

2. Be present to what is happening, in yourself and in whomever you may be interacting with. Another way of saying this is, pay attention. If your attention wanders, bring it back to the interaction.

3. If you find yourself or the other person you’re interacting with to be triggered in some way, before you speak, just sit with that feeling for a little longer than you normally would.

4. If you need to voice something that’s happening for you, or need to speak to your truth, simply ask yourself, “Will what I’m about to offer and the way that I’m offering it really serve this situation?”

5. Once you’ve voiced your perspective, be willing to hear others, openly, and receive other people as you wish to be received yourself.

6. Be willing to try different things out and if you screw up, be wiling to admit it and know that it’s probably not that big of a deal.

7. Reflect on situations after they happen. Journal or talk to a trusted 3rd party. This will often help you get more clear about what authenticity means for you and how you can be that in the moment more and more.

8. Remember, don’t try too hard. The fact that you’re even considering authenticity is a great sign!

Kelly Sosan Bearer is a social entrepreneur specializing in multimedia platform development to disseminate spiritual wisdom teachings both online and off. She is the Co-founder of Integral Chicks and currently serves as Executive Producer for Sofia Diaz and Multimedia Producer at Buddhist Geeks. An ordained Zen monk, Kelly graduated from Naropa University with a MA in Transpersonal Counseling Psychology. She goes by the alter ego DJ Sosan and has been dropping beats for the Integral scene since 2005. Follow her on Twitter @KellyBearer.

Nicole Fegley is the Executive Producer, Co-Founder, and Host of Integral Chicks. She is a Certified Integral Coach through Integral Coaching Canada and coaches with Integral Life, The Integral Incubator, and Engaging the Future. Nicole is the Co-founder, with her partner Clint Fuhs, of Core Integral.

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  • Joflynn

    Yep – I know what you mean.
    Sometimes someone being authentic smacks of the ego saying ” look how authentic I am being! See how truthful I am!” and its all at the expense of any form of mutuality.
    Whereas any expression from Authentic Self will feel both healing… and deeply interesting. It gets right into that interpersonal field without creating any hooks on which you can hang projections.
    Beautiful.

  • http://www.danceoftheheart.com Brian Dunn

    I really agree with the power of a 3rd party component in identifying inauthenticity – my partner and I work with a theatricality-oriented improvisation technique in which an audience provides a very useful and quite accurate “bullshit detector” when someone slips into inauthenticity during a “scene”. David Deida is one of many who adapt this to development work, where someone doing work with him can use an audience’s perceptions in his/her interactions with David to avoid just making it about whether David is “right” or not…

  • Kevin

    I totally agree with your sentence…”The one thing we can say about the experience of authenticity is that it is a feeling, in the moment, that someone is being real with you.” I too have been studying authenticity and you ladies are right on. When we are real / authentic others can get a sense to allow their own authenticity to show up as well. Thanks for sharing!

    Kevin Rafferty, Author of Get Naked, Get Real, Get Happy–Becoming Your Authentic Self.

  • http://www.unblogyourself.com Samuel Törnqvist

    This authenticity-buzz seems to forget that it is impossible to not be authentic.
    What is it that decides what is authentic or not? Authenticity, in my mind, is more about a “judgment in disguise” about what is happening right now.

    An awareness of this judgment without reacting to it, as you present as a practice on this blog with some really helpful insights, is more interesting to me. Authenticity looks different to every level and trying to be more authentic, even though seemingly noble, “smells” a lot like identification with super-ego.

    I like these kind of posts. more please :)

    Cheers!

  • Iamfreeeee

    I agree, sharing too much too soon with people tends to make almost anyone feel somewhat uncomfortable. That’s just how it is.

    But ultimately, the most important person to be authentic for is one’s self. I think that’s where the foundational challenge is. Seems the more we deepen our authenticity with ourselves, the less we worry about pleasing others to gain acceptance or feel the need to try to seem authentic or whatever.

    But also, what about the 2nd or 3rd person perspective in this story? From 2nd and 3rd perspectives, how might I best serve the moment when observing someone who seems to be creating a “Jack Nicholson moment”? Is there anything I can skillfully do to help in this situation if I were in it as the receiver of the TMI or observing it near by?

    In this 2nd or 3rd person moment…

    Can I create space, allowing compassion to arise for this person? Am I feeling sorry for them and unsure what to do? Am I tuning in with love and intuition, or turning away in judgement and self preservation? Could I take action in some small, yet skillful and compassionate way? What could I possibly say to help ease the situation? Could I be someone who actually CAN handle listening to this person’s truth?

    Maybe they just need a friend somewhere in the world. Maybe it’s that simple. How can you tell if someone is just trying too hard or crying out? Might it be worth the effort to look into this further?

    Any thoughts?

    Just sharing a few thoughts and questions that came up.

    Interesting subject. :-)

  • Iamfreeeee

    I apologize ahead of time if I seem to be sharing too much. ;-) lol

    I’m not sure all the reasons why, but for whatever reason, people seem to feel comfortable sharing their personal stuff with me. I’m talking about strangers, not only friends. This has been gong on most of my life. It does make me feel somewhat uncomfortable at first, but I usually choose to listen and give them some love and understanding. Usually that’s all they really wanted (a “friend”), and I (we) end up feeling really good about the experience. It only takes a few minutes out of my day.

    I just hope this article about authenticity doesn’t inadvertently promote the idea that if someone shares too deeply and creates a “Jack Nicholson moment”, this person is automatically perceived as “moronic”? And I must say, this word choice seems a little harsh and unnecessary to me… not a very compassionate or helpful slogan to plant in one’s mind.

    I think even if someone is trying too hard to be authentic and start slipping into sharing some deep personal stuff that goes a little too far, there’s usually a reason for it. They may not be aware of why they are going so deep so fast and sometimes that’s ok. Sometimes stuff just needs to come up. Sometimes I think maybe I bring it out in them, like they can intuitively sense I will not judge them, and it seems to me, they are obviously starving for love and understanding. It just happens.

    I totally agree with the overall point made in the article, But I think sometimes when this kind of thing happens, it really is ok. Not just “oops, no big deal” at best. Sometimes it is a blessing in disguise for all. As with everything else, discernment is key. And balancing boundaries with compassion is indeed a challenge. But let’s try to be there for each other in this world, if and when we can. Not to enable, fix or save anyone. A little compassionate presence will do just fine. The Feminine in all of us wants to give Love and understanding. Sometimes all someone needs is a tiny spark of hope in this rocky territory we call life.