What Do Integral Men Want? Gen-Y Responds

 
After all the excitement and interest on What Do Integral Women Want? we thought it would be fun to complement that piece and give our Integral Dudes voice to discuss, What Do Integral Men Want? We received many inquiries and narrowed it down to a few choice replies.

Here’s our first Integral Dude, Niklas Wilkens, writing in from Cologne, Germany…

What Do Integral Men Want?

1. First thing that comes to mind is depth. Or better, space to express my own depth! I don’t want to tiptoe around the hot topics of humanity and my own personal growth when I’m with a woman or indeed with any person. I want to dive right into them. Everything else seems like a waste of time to me, which gives me trouble to relax. When I do have that space with someone, more shallow or daily matters can become part of the conversation, as long as we can get back to what really matters – which can of course be different every time.

2. Although it’s uncomfortable at times, I also like confronting honesty when it’s expressed with the clear intention to build more connection. I’ve experienced several times now that people in my life noticed an incongruence between my words and my actions and put their finger on it. It hurt a lot, especially when a lot of fear and shame was up, but I also got to express it and found a loving place for it, so that I could grow without losing self-respect. So this kind of honesty paired up with kindness and trust in my desire to grow and expand is really important for me.

3. In the same vein, when it comes to talking about problems, I like to sense the intention to connect and improve the contact that we have with each other. Often I like a concrete request, so that I know what kind of reaction would meet the other person’s needs. This I mean in contrast to going on and on talking without saying what he or she wants. Even when what the other person wants is just space to be listened to: it feels good to know that it’s about empathy and knowing that I received his or her feelings and needs. Then I have an idea what the goal is and when it’s reached I can relax.

4. Then I like it when a woman is aware of her feminine energy and knows how to move it and play with it. That she isn’t afraid of expressing her beauty and sexuality and takes responsibility for exploring and expressing her own desires. That she’s connected to her body and knows how she likes to be touched, held and fucked, so that I can really trust that I’m with HER when we are physically close. Somehow with a woman, where this is the case, I feel safer in my own body too and on earth in general.

5. And finally, I want my work reflect my deepest concerns and my strongest passions in life. That what I do is really what I value the most and where I can feel an impact on the world that makes it a more friendly place. I may not always know what that is, but I’m surely looking for it.

I hope this gives you a sense of what I want. And maybe it’s also an answer to the question, what integral men want. I’m looking forward to an answer of your’s and I’m curious what will be compiled on the website.

Warm regards from Cologne, Germany
Niklas Wilkens

Niklas Wilkens was born 1984 in Cologne, Germany, in the same house that I’m now in while I’m writing. I’m 25 and I’m almost done studying psychology, which I have done for the last five years in Maastricht, Netherlands. I got introduced to Integral by a friend who gives trainings in Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which I have a passion for since I first met Marshall Rosenberg. Integral (by which I mean Ken’s literature and recordings) was a lot of input at first but it slowly helped me to orient myself in the world and allow for all kinds of different points of view, without denying my own perspective. I’m very grateful for that. For a year now I’ve also been interested in community building, having experienced camps at ZEGG (www.zegg.de). ZEGG is an intentional community in Germany, where I also find quite a lot of people who are thinking integrally or are interested in it. My main practice remains NVC, which I hope to put into my career now, once I’ve completed my master’s degree.